It is a common question we hear when working with churches that are experiencing change. Sometimes those changes are good and sometimes they are painful, but they almost always raise the same concern.
Why are people leaving the church?

There are layers to this question. There are variables that make every situation different. And while most consultants or authors will list the typical reasons people leave, those lists never tell the full story.

People leave for a various stated reasons. Sometimes because of major life changes. They move. Their family’s needs shift. Their kids need a different type of ministry. Sometimes it has to do with disappointment or hurt. Sometimes a personal crisis pulls someone away. Sometimes someone close to them becomes frustrated and they take up that offense. All of these can be real reasons, and some of them are unavoidable.

But beneath almost every reason we hear, there is something deeper. There is a common thread that shows up again and again. In most cases, the root issue is a breakdown in communication somewhere along the way.

Outside of obvious, practical situations like moving to a new city or needing a program that truly does not exist in their current church, most of the reasons people give for leaving do not tell the whole story. In many of the consulting projects we have done, we have had the opportunity to interview people who left a church. We want to understand what happened. Not to stir up hurt or frustration, but to learn what the church did or did not do that contributed to someone feeling disconnected.

At first, we hear the surface explanations. We did not like the worship style. The ministries did not fit our family anymore. We just lost interest. Our friends go to another church. These all sound legitimate, but when we ask honest follow-up questions we usually uncover deeper issues.

People leave over music and yet the music often has not changed much. People leave because something did not work for their kids, but the real issue was a long pattern of feeling unheard. A surface explanation is simply a polite way to exit without hurting anyone’s feelings, even though the real reasons run deeper.

When we get to the heart of it, a communication problem is almost always present. It shows up through misunderstandings, misinformation, gossip, unspoken disappointment, assumptions, or feelings of hypocrisy or dysfunction. And when we ask people whether their church ever reached out to understand why they were leaving, most say the same thing. The church never asked. No meeting. No coffee. No conversation. No attempt to understand the real disconnect. So the only reasons that ever get shared are the polite and easy ones.

There are many reasons pastors and church leaders avoid these conversations. They are uncomfortable. There is potential for conflict. There is fear of hurt feelings or betrayal. Leaders are overwhelmed and do not feel they have time to sit down with someone who seems committed to leaving anyway. Many say, “They already told us why they are leaving. What is the point?” What is ironic is that pastors often feel hurt when people leave without giving real reasons. Meanwhile, many people who leave feel hurt because no one asked them to share the real reasons in the first place.

It is painful on both sides. Pastors feel abandoned. People feel uncared for. Everyone moves on with incomplete information. And the church continues to lose people without truly understanding why.

Here are some steps you can take to better uncover the deeper reasons people may be leaving your church. These steps are not easy and they can feel uncomfortable, but they are incredibly important.

Three Steps to Understand Why People Are Leaving

1. Create intentional follow-up conversations.
When someone chooses to leave, reach out. Ask for a meeting or a call. Not to convince them to stay, but to genuinely understand what led to the decision. Approach the conversation with humility and curiosity.

2. Listen without defending.
Let them speak. Let them share the deeper story. When people feel safe to be honest, you often discover patterns that no survey or surface explanation will ever reveal. Your goal is understanding, not justification.

3. Look for patterns that point to communication gaps.
One story might be isolated. Five similar stories are not. Pay attention to recurring themes. These usually highlight breakdowns in communication, clarity, expectations, or relationships.

Once you begin to uncover the real reasons people are leaving, church leaders need to take ownership. There may be legitimate issues causing frustration, disappointment, or confusion. If these things are not taken seriously, the number of people leaving will continue to grow. When that happens, the church tries even harder to bring new people in, and the best-case scenario is that attendance stays the same because people are arriving at the same rate others are leaving. This is not healthy.

Here are some steps to take once you understand why people are leaving.

Steps to Begin Making Adjustments

1. Address the real issues, not just the symptoms.
If people feel unheard, improve feedback channels. If communication gaps are common, tighten your messaging and clarity. If relational hurt is present, strengthen pastoral care.

2. Strengthen internal communication.
Many departures trace back to small misunderstandings that grew into major frustrations. Improve transparency. Over-communicate. Create space for people to ask questions before frustrations grow.

3. Restore relationships when possible.
When a hurt is uncovered, church leaders need to take responsibility. In almost every interview we have done over the years, people who left say they never received acknowledgment, apology, or an attempt to part ways in a healthy and caring manner. Many only experienced silence. When someone has been committed to your church and is now leaving with some level of pain, you have an opportunity to take the higher road. Even if they will not attend your church anymore, you can still preserve the relationship.

Healthy churches take these steps seriously. They do the hard relational work. They listen. They learn. They take responsibility. And they grow from it.

In the end, caring enough to understand why people are leaving is one of the most important steps a church can take. It strengthens relationships, builds trust, and protects the health of the church for the future.