Have you ever walked into a new place and felt two things at the same time; hopeful and uncomfortable?

It happened to me not long ago when I visited a church that had asked for our input on how they were doing. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming. No red carpet. No heads-up to staff. I just showed up one Sunday morning to see what it felt like to walk in as a first-time visitor.

I parked, walked toward the entrance, and got a couple polite smiles. Someone handed me a bulletin and gave a pleasant “Good morning.” So far, so good.

But once I stepped into the foyer, something shifted. I was hoping to see someone I’d met previously or maybe someone who would recognize that I was new. That didn’t happen.

There were people everywhere, clustered in little groups, catching up with their friends. The coffee station was nice with lots of options, even some bagels. It felt like the kind of setup that says, “We want you to feel at home.” But even as I wandered a bit, no one approached me.

The service was starting in about 10 minutes, so I made my way into the sanctuary and found a spot on the aisle in the middle section. I figured it’d be a good place to be near some activity, maybe strike up a casual conversation with someone. You know… ease into things.

What happened next was honestly kind of surreal.

People came in and sat in front of me, behind me, even in my row. But, no one sat right next to me. Not one person acknowledged me. No “Hey, good morning,” no “Is this seat taken?” Nothing. It felt more like I was in a movie theater than a church.

The service began: music, welcome, announcements. Then came the part where we were invited to stand and greet one another. Finally, I thought. This is it. This is when I’ll meet someone.

But nope. Everyone around me turned to the people they already knew. The folks in my row talked to others in our row, but not to me. The people in front of me turned around and greeted folks in front of them. Behind me? Same deal. Not a single handshake. Not even a glance.

Now to be fair, the message was good. The music was solid. There was even a strong challenge at the end about living out your faith in everyday life. But then the service ended.

And I just sat there.

Not out of stubbornness, but because I was genuinely curious: Would anyone notice me? Would someone stop by and say hi? I gave it a few minutes. But everyone in my row exited the other direction, carefully avoiding having to walk in front of me. Like I wasn’t even there.

So, I finally stood up and walked back out to the foyer.

That’s when the pastor spotted me. He came over, shook my hand, and introduced me to a couple people. And he was great, warm, welcoming, thoughtful. But here’s the thing: Had he not seen me, I probably would’ve walked out of there without talking to a single person.

Now, before you get discouraged or start forming judgments about this church, here’s the kicker: This is not uncommon.

In fact, this is very common.

Why This Happens (Even in “Friendly” Churches)

Most churches don’t mean to be unwelcoming. They’re trying to be friendly. They’ve got greeters, parking lot teams, welcome tables. They work hard to create an inviting environment.

But the actual people in the congregation (the ones sitting in the pews or chairs). They often don’t know what to do when someone new shows up. And so, they default to what’s comfortable: talk to the people they already know.

There’s usually an underlying assumption: Someone else has probably already said hello. Someone else will make that person feel welcome. Someone else will invite them to coffee after the service.

But when everyone thinks someone else is handling it… no one is.

This isn’t a condemnation. It’s just reality. I’ve been in countless churches over the years, and I’ve seen this same dynamic play out time and time again. The “invisible visitor” experience is more common than most leaders realize.

Here’s the truth: Friendly systems don’t automatically create a friendly culture. And the culture is what matters.

Why Pastors and Leaders Often Miss It

If you’re a pastor or ministry leader, chances are this doesn’t happen to you.

You walk in and people light up. They shake your hand. They stop you to say hello. You’re on the inside of the relational web. So it’s hard to see the weak spots in your welcome.

That’s why you’re not the best person to evaluate how friendly your church feels to a newcomer. You need outside eyes. You need fresh perspective.

And if you’re thinking, “This isn’t a problem in our church. We’re super friendly!”… great. But don’t stop there. Ask a recent visitor. Ask someone who just started attending. Ask someone who almost didn’t come back.

Their experience is what matters most.

Three Things You Can Do Right Now

So, what can you do? How can you move your church from being nice to being truly welcoming?

Here are three practical things you can do starting this week:

1. Invite Someone to Secret Shop

Find someone who doesn’t attend your church and ask them to visit one Sunday. Let them know you’re looking for honest feedback about how your church welcomes newcomers.

Don’t tell your staff. Don’t alert the greeters. Let the experience be as normal as possible.

Afterward, take them to lunch and debrief. Ask:

• What did you notice?
• What felt welcoming?
• What was confusing?
• What came across as uninviting?
• Where did you feel most connected (and most invisible)?

Their feedback is incredibly valuable. Treat it that way.

And if you’ve got people who’ve recently started attending your church, ask them the same kinds of questions. It doesn’t need to be formal. Just take a couple folks out for coffee and say, “We’re trying to grow in this area. Can you help us understand what it felt like to walk into our church for the first time?”

2. Share What You Learn with Your Leaders and Volunteers

Don’t keep this to yourself. Bring your board, your staff, your elders, and your volunteer teams into the loop. Let them hear the good, the bad, and the awkward. The more people that know, the more people can help.

This isn’t about shaming anyone. It’s about creating ownership and accountability. It’s about saying, “This is our church, and we all play a role in helping people feel like they belong.”

Sometimes just sharing the stories is enough to spark change.

3. Equip People with Better Ways to Say Hello

Here’s a big reason people don’t greet visitors: they don’t know what to say.

They don’t want to ask, “Are you new here?” and hear, “No, we’ve been coming for two years.” That fear of awkwardness is a huge conversation killer. So, give your people a simple script. Something like:

“Hey, I don’t think we’ve met before—I’m Jason.”

That’s it. It’s not a theological statement. It’s not a long conversation starter. It’s just a way to open a door without assuming anything.

If they’re new, they’ll usually say so. If they’ve been around, it’s still a friendly way to connect. Either way, your people are now equipped to be hospitable. And that changes the culture one conversation at a time.

Final Thoughts: The Culture You Create Happens in the Seats, Not Just at the Door

If your church has great greeters but people still feel unseen once they sit down, it’s time to shift the culture beyond the foyer.

Most churches want to be welcoming. But being intentionally welcoming, especially to the person no one recognizes, that takes awareness, leadership, and repetition.

You don’t have to overhaul your whole system. Just start with honest evaluation, open conversations, and simple tools.

Because at the end of the day, your visitors might forget what the sermon was about or what song was sung first. But they won’t forget whether anyone noticed them.

And that’s something we can fix.

If all this hits home, I’d encourage you to download our free Church Friendliness Evaluation & Resource Guide, it’s packed with practical steps to help your church create a culture of true welcome.

Download Today!